Identity inflation and market depression

Are you not sure who you are? Having problems with self-worth? Feeling like you just don’t fit in? You’re not alone. Nowadays, a humble person such as yourself can hardly walk down the street without oppressing some new, sexually transgressive and utterly lazy minority that simply refuses to dress the right way. Open up any newspaper on your way to work and you are guaranteed to find a jihadi splinter faction terrorizing stateless Muslim groups you’ve never heard of, some aboriginal faction demanding to determine its own future similar to but apart from the other nearby aboriginal groups, and, God forbid, a refugee horde asserting its “right” not to be ethnically cleansed. Society just can’t decide whether it is coming or going. And where does this leave you, the hapless individual? Navigating the labyrinthine moral high-ground and choosing which traditions to champion as timeless and which to consider passe, all while attempting to get the recognition you so obviously deserve as a unique and under-served subject. How did it come to this? Who’s to blame? It’s as clear as day – The Government.

For far too long they have been immorally impinging on the free market’s natural ability to peacefully allocate resources through un-coerced, contractual exchange. But not for long. We are proud to introduce a brand new market – personal identity! Always wanted to be a white American male but just didn’t have the right stuff? Ever want to be a hetero, God-fearing, cis-male member of the Muslim Brotherhood you’ve always known you are deep down, but moonlight as a raving Native-American homosexual ketamine addict on the weekends? Well now you can! With enough savings, you can be whatever you want! Now, if you want to be the stand up member of the opera and cricket society, or to no longer be a slave on those excruciatingly lucrative fishing boats, all you have to do is buy the correct identity from our exchange. Not sure what to do with your identity? Why not deposit it in one of our identity savings accounts to accrue value? And don’t miss out on the opportunity to invest in one of our diversified identity portfolios. Worried about those damned Turks threatening your European heritage? How can they when you own the majority market share? The invisible hand will redistribute identities to Pareto efficiency. Everywhere competition will make them more affordable, and everyone will finally know where they stand in relation to others based on the market value of their predicated identity. No more need for messy insurrections and genocides to establish which subjectivity is in the right. Just let the market decide.  Whatever you do, act now before supplies run out. 

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